


Gnossienne

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [30]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Frigga (Marvel) Feels, Gen, I described this one on my tumblr as, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki-centric, M/M, Odin's B+ Parenting, POV Loki, Thor Feels, basically a paean to Lise's Feelings about Loki's Family Relationships, everyone cries a little, this is Remember This Cold verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-02 20:56:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8683075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: gnossienne n. a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the hallways of their personality is a door locked from the inside, a stairway leading to a wing of the house that you’ve never fully explored—an unfinished attic that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you, because ultimately neither of you has a map, or a master key, or any way of knowing exactly where you stand.After the events of the trial on Asgard, Frigga comes to visit, and Loki's family issues come home to roost.Takes place after This Is My Kingdom Come.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Eons ago, shortly after I finished "This Is My Kingdom Come" (so, like, two years) I started tossing around the idea of writing something in Remember This Cold where Frigga visits Loki on Earth, as she promised to do in that fic. Two years later, here it is. I started writing it quite a while ago, but only recently did it really kick into gear, and then promptly expanded into something much larger than planned. I always knew this was going to be emotional; I didn't know it was going to be this _long._
> 
> I have a lot of feelings about this fic and ended up being pretty proud of it. If you know me, you know that's kind of a big deal. The focus here is more on Loki's relationship with his family than on his relationship with Steve, which is different from pretty much every other installment of this fic - but it's always been important to me in building this universe to remember that there is much more to both of them than their relationships with each other. 
> 
> Anyway. With thanks to my wonderful beta, [ameliarating](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com). I also feel like I should thank my therapist here, but that might be weird.
> 
> Enjoy. As always, you can find more of me (than you ever wanted) over on my blog at [tumblr dot com](http://veliseraptor.tumblr.com).

“Are you avoiding Mother on purpose?” Thor asked, and then winced. “I do not mean - if you are, that is-”

“Do not hurt yourself,” Loki interrupted, though he briefly considered letting Thor go and see how long he ran trying to apologize. “Seeing as she is not here to avoid, I am not certain what you mean.” He kept his voice decidedly neutral. Thinking about anything related to Asgard still made his stomach burn. It was not...so bad as it might be, certainly, but it still made some part of him flinch. No small part of him had given up on Asgard long ago, but it had still been home.

“She wishes to speak with you,” Thor said. “She, ah. Spoke in my dreams, because she could not reach yours.” 

Loki blinked. It had not even occurred to him that Frigga might try to reach him that way: she had not for some time. Dreamwalking was not an easy thing even for those gifted in it as she was, and reaching those without any training - like Thor - was even more difficult. “Is something amiss?” He asked, unease shifting in his stomach. Perhaps the situation on Asgard had deteriorated despite everything. Perhaps Frigga was trying to warn him.

“I do not believe so,” Thor said. “I think she merely wishes to speak with you, and…” He trailed off, and Loki realized what Thor was avoiding saying. This was the only way she could. She could not use Odin’s ravens to speak to an exile and convicted traitor. 

“I am not avoiding her,” Loki said at length. “I will inform her as much.”

Thor studied him, a line of concern between his eyebrows. It struck Loki again how much Thor had...aged was the wrong word, but he was more sober now, more serious. He had missed that, somehow; failed to notice that Thor had grown.

He _would_ make a good king someday. For once, the thought held little rancor, only a kind of melancholy. 

“What?” He asked sharply, when Thor’s expression failed to clear. 

“For how long have you warded your dreams so that even Mother cannot reach you?” Thor asked. Loki glanced away and shrugged one shoulder. 

“Habit,” he said. “Better safe than sorry.”

“She thinks you are angry with her,” Thor said. _I am not,_ Loki opened his mouth to say, and closed it. He was not actually entirely certain what he felt for Frigga. A tangle of things, too knotted to make sense of, that he had largely ignored until now. 

“I will speak with her,” Loki said. Thor’s frown deepened. 

“Are you?” He asked. 

“Is that not between me and the All-Mother?” Loki said, perhaps a little snappishly. 

“You should not push her away,” Thor said. Loki’s body coiled tight. 

“That is not yours to decide,” he said shortly. Thor opened his mouth and Loki braced himself, but then he sighed, seeming to slump.

“No,” he said. “I suppose it is not. But I still wish you would not. For your sake as well as hers.” Thor reached out and Loki did not quite flinch back, but perhaps Thor sensed it because he clasped Loki’s shoulder instead of his neck. “Thank you, Loki,” he said. Loki blinked again. 

“For what?” He asked, but Thor just shook his head with a very faint smile.

* * *

Frigga came to him the first night he slept without his accustomed wards. It took him what felt like hours to get to sleep, listening to Steve’s breathing in his ear and trying not to feel flutters of unease about who else might find his sleeping thoughts. 

But it was only her, shaping her garden around them, and she embraced him so tightly he almost felt her warmth even dreaming. “My son,” she said. “I take it Thor delivered my message?” 

“I was not aware that you were trying to reach me,” Loki said, sweeping a slightly exaggerated bow over one of her hands. “Had I, of course I would not have kept you away.”

“There was a time I could reach you even when you were warded,” Frigga said, something odd in her voice. Loki pulled away from her. 

“If that was a request,” he said, hearing a slight tension in his own voice. 

“It was not.” Loki relaxed. He had not _chosen,_ exactly, to sever the connection between them - that had been the Void’s doing, more than anything, and what came after. But he was not willing, still, to allow it again. He did not think there was anyone he would want, now, to have that kind of unfettered access to his mind. “I do have a request, however,” she said. “Of a different nature.” 

Loki turned toward her. “Ask,” he said simply. The way Frigga looked at him made him itch: like she was searching for something. Looking for something in him, and Loki did not know what it was. 

Frigga sat down on the bench behind her. “I would like to visit you.” 

The strength of his own reaction took him off guard. At once, his heart leapt with excitement at the prospect of her coming, of being able to sup with her and Steve, walking her through one of the parks arm-in-arm, speaking with her about all that he had learned as though no time at all had passed and nothing had changed. Not even a breath later, his lungs squeezed with the strength of his refusal of the first response. _This is mine, this isn’t hers, this is something that Asgard cannot touch,_ and _did_ he want to see her, really, he suddenly wasn’t sure. 

“You would like to visit me,” Loki repeated slowly, still reeling. 

“Is that so surprising?” Frigga asked, sounding as though she was attempting to tease him, but her smile was fragile. Loki looked away from it. 

“Is that permitted?” He asked, aware of the brittle tone of his own voice and unable - or perhaps simply unwilling - to moderate it.

“It is not forbidden,” Frigga said, which either meant she had not asked or she had asked and Odin had simply said nothing. _Coward,_ a part of Loki thought angrily, but he shoved it away. He did not want to think of Odin at all, not when all it conjured up was the feeling of hard floor under his knees, head bent as Loki swore away his identity under his cold eye. 

He knew why Odin had not moved to save him more directly. Understood, even, why he had taken the action he had. It still hurt: a small, childish part of him had still been crushed, had hoped that perhaps the man he’d called father might offer him more than the thin bone that was his survival, with everything else stripped away. 

“Why now,” Loki asked. Frigga’s hands twisted together: nervous, Loki realized, and was not sure how that made him feel. 

“Before, I did not want to press you,” she said. “But now...I hope that we may begin to mend things.” 

Loki stood up and moved away from her. _Mend things._ Everyone talked about _mending things_ and he hardly knew what it meant. “I see.” 

“Loki…” Frigga sounded pained. He felt himself tense, almost hearing, unsaid: _Loki, why can’t you be reasonable. Behave. Do as you are told._

“By all means,” he said, turning and throwing on a smile. “Come. You will be welcome.” 

Frigga’s eyebrows knitted together. “If you do not wish it-”

“Did I say that?” 

“You do not always need to speak for me to hear,” Frigga said, some reproach in her voice, and Loki wanted to snap back _then why did you not hear when I was drowning._ A moment later he jerked, startled at himself, at his own anger. He didn’t _want_ to be angry with Frigga. He loved her. She had been kind. She was not _Odin._

Looking away, Loki said, “I am...out of sorts. Do not let it trouble you.”

She approached, cupping his face in her hands and turning it back toward her. “How can my son being _out of sorts_ not trouble me?”

Loki gave her a faint, pained smile. “I should hope you could find a way, or you would never be untroubled.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “You should come. I would...it would be good to see you under better circumstances.”

“Are you certain?” 

_No._ “Yes,” Loki said. His smile felt brittle, but he held it. Frigga inclined her head, after a long pause. 

“A week from this night, perhaps? By Midgard’s reckoning?” 

“Yes,” Loki said. “That should be agreeable. And perhaps by then I will be in better temper, hmm?” 

“Better temper or no,” Frigga said, her eyes locked on his, “I will be glad to see you.”

* * *

“Frigga wishes to visit,” Loki announced, his head on Steve’s chest, listening to the soft _whoosh_ of his heartbeat and breathing. He felt Steve still, stomach muscles tensing and breath catching. 

“Oh?” He said, sounding cautious. Feeling out Loki’s reaction. He closed his eyes and tucked his hand under Steve’s shirt, fingers on his stomach. 

“Yes,” Loki murmured. “A week from now. She wishes to see me. And you. And I suppose probably Thor as well.”

“Probably,” Steve agreed. Loki could hear him hesitating, and waited. “Do you want to see her?” He asked, reluctant.

Loki exhaled. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “But she is...my mother.” His tongue still stumbled over that, a little, reluctant to claim that name. But Frigga had said he could have it. That she did not want him to keep her at a distance. _What if I need to,_ Loki had thought. _What if I need you at a distance because I cannot bear to keep you close, a reminder of all that I have lost, all the lies that my life was built on?_

“I know,” Steve said slowly. “But that doesn’t mean...if you’re not ready to see her, that’s understandable.” 

“Is it?” 

“Yes,” Steve said. “You just...lost a lot. And even without that, I know your relationship with your parents is...challenging.” 

“I always loved Frigga,” Loki said, though he remembered suddenly sitting across from her as Odin slept and she said _you are our son_ and he thought _you lied, you lied to me every day, you watched this happen and said nothing._ But he could not hold that anger and everything else as well. He had needed something to cling to and he’d chosen her. 

“Loving someone and being angry with them aren’t mutually exclusive,” Steve said. His fingers slid into Loki’s hair. “Are you angry?” 

Loki closed his eyes. “I don’t know. My heart cannot decide if it dreads her coming or thirsts for it.”

He felt Steve sigh. “Maybe it’s both?”

“Both?” Loki said, with a bit of a scoff. “Is that not contradictory?” 

“I don’t know,” Steve said slowly. “Sometimes that’s how it is. You want something, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not terrifying to think about getting it. Maybe more so. There’s more at stake.” _More at stake,_ Loki thought. _Like the last fragile pieces of who I was._

“I told her she could come,” Loki said. “In a week. I almost wish I had not left so much time for myself to fret in.” 

“Loki,” Steve said after a long pause, “you know whatever you want, whatever you decide when it comes to your - to Frigga, I’m with you.”

Loki had not realized the tension he’d been holding until he released it, pushing himself away to look at Steve. “You mean that,” he said. Steve gave Loki a very faint smile. 

“Is it that surprising?” Steve’s voice was light, trying not to sound hurt. 

“It should not be,” Loki said slowly. “But...I do not know. I am, I suppose, used to being told that I should let things go. That I should not be upset, should not be angry, that everything that they do is for the best and I need to try to _understand._ ” He heard the anger leaking into his voice and tried to swallow it back. “So I suppose someone simply accepting that - that maybe I am not _required_ to forgive everything and pretend as though all is well…”

He glanced at Steve, who had a strange expression on his face. “I guess that makes sense,” he said at length. “Is that...how you think Thor feels?” 

Loki looked away. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “I do. Or at least - he wishes it were so. Some part of him still wishes to believe that if only I _come to my senses_ that we might all be a happy family again.” That bitterness, once again. Loki fought to temper it. 

Steve sighed, and Loki could hear him struggling. He waited, almost braced. “Maybe he does,” Steve said slowly. “But I think...and I can’t talk for him so this is just what I’m guessing, that he’s realizing that’s not the case. Or at least that it’s not just about you.” 

Loki closed his eyes, remembering what Thor had said about moving forward rather than going back. Doing better. Thor saying he had not done enough for Loki, helped enough, and this time Loki heard it not as _you cannot save yourself_ but _I should have done better._ “Perhaps,” he said slowly. “I suppose I simply wish - I do not know. Sometimes I think he _still_ does not know what went wrong.”

Steve’s expression did something odd. “Have you talked to him about it?” 

Loki huffed a laugh. “I know what he would say. He would frown and struggle to remember and when he could not, would deny that it ever happened. He would tell me that he did not feel this way, so surely it cannot be true. That I look for offense where there is none.”

“So you’ve talked about this before. Was it...recently?” 

_Imagined slights_ echoed in Loki’s head. “Recently enough for me not to wish to do it again.” 

“Loki…” Steve trailed off. “I think you should give him a chance. Things have changed. Haven’t they? Thor’s changed. Maybe this time it’d be different.”

Loki tried to imagine it. It would mean clawing open old wounds, exposing his scars, offering his heart to Thor. He feared it would shatter in his hands and ruin this fragile peace between them. A peace built on sand, perhaps, but still a peace, and Loki did not want to lose it. Especially not now, when everything (when he) felt so fragile, a broken vase barely holding its shape. Odin was gone. He did not know where he stood with Frigga. Thor was all that was left. 

“Not now,” he said finally, and his voice sounded rough. He turned his face into Steve’s chest. “I cannot.”

After a pause, Steve put a hand on his head, running his fingers through Loki’s hair. “All right,” he said softly. “Not now.”

“Frigga will want to see you,” Loki mumbled. 

Steve laughed, sounding a little nervous. “Well. I think I did all right last time.” 

“You would know if you had not.”

“Very reassuring,” Steve said, but he sounded as though he was at least mostly joking. 

“Fear not, Captain,” Loki said, glancing up at him with a faint smile. “I shall protect you.”

* * *

A week suddenly seemed like a very short time. There was so much to do - his living space suddenly looked unbearably shabby, but he and Steve had not yet found an alternative, and there was no time to redo it. The most he could do was clean savagely and make a thin attempt at decoration. And that was the least of it.

Meals needed to be planned - a dinner out, probably, and that meant he had to find somewhere appropriate, but what was _appropriate,_ suddenly none of it looked good enough. Perhaps he should cook a meal for her - or would that make her think less of him, that he had to do his own labor, that her son should engage in such mundane activities? Would she find the zoo interesting? The Natural History Museum, or the Metropolitan Museum? They could walk through Central Park, but might she not be offended by the garbage on the streets and off the path, the sad spectacle of Midgard’s destitute? 

Loki knew he was working himself into a frenzy and could not stop. “She’s your mother,” Steve said. “Don’t you think she’ll just be glad to see you?” 

“She is a _queen,_ ” Loki had snapped. Steve frowned at him, which made Loki want to cringe. In general he continued to veer between eagerness and excitement and gnawing dread. By the time Frigga actually arrived, he thought grimly, he would have lost his wits entirely and they would put him in a cell like Barnes.

But the day came, and he was not in a cell. Just pacing, pacing, pacing because he felt as though he was about to explode, his stomach burning and turning flips. He could feel Steve watching him with concern, but he did not tell Loki to stop - which he appreciated, for the most part. When the door buzzed, he turned and stared at it for several long moments. 

“I can get it,” Steve said gently. _Put some steel in your spine,_ Loki thought savagely, and shook his head. 

“That is not necessary.” He inhaled slowly, exhaled, and pressed the button to open the door. He swallowed several times, hard, waiting for the knock on the apartment door, aware all over again of the modesty of their living quarters. What if she reacted with disdain, or disapproval, sneering at the smallness of the life Loki had built here? “Perhaps we should just go,” he said with a weak smile, half jesting. “No one need ever know where we are. Some remote cabin in the mountains, perhaps.” 

Steve’s expression was painfully sympathetic. “It’s going to be fine,” he said. 

“You can’t know that,” Loki said miserably. He squared his shoulders and turned to open the door. 

Frigga had not come alone. Thor was with her, looking somewhere between nervous and hopeful, and Loki’s eye twitched at the corner. He was still trying to puzzle out how to say _what are you doing here, are you here to ensure I behave myself_ without actually _saying_ as much, but Frigga spoke first. 

“Loki,” she said simply, voice full of warmth, and embraced him, arms folding around him and for a moment some part of him panicked - but then he was enveloped in warmth, his nose pressed to her shoulder and full of the heart-achingly familiar smell of her. Loki felt himself practically go limp, like a kitten picked up by the scruff of its neck.

“Frigga,” he said, and then amended, “mother.” His eyes burned and he fought to control his breathing and hold back weeping. 

She pulled back at length, holding him by the shoulders and examining his face. “You look well,” she said. “If thin.”

Loki’s lips twisted. “You and Thor apparently concur on that point,” he murmured. Steve shifted behind him, and Loki added, “I suppose now I can properly introduce you. Mother, may I introduce you to Steve Rogers, my…” He had not considered what the appropriate term would be. He settled on, “lover,” knowing it would make Steve blush. 

“Your Majesty. Frigga,” Steve said, bowing his head respectfully, his expression nakedly nervous. Frigga released Loki to step toward him, offering her hands. She leaned in when Steve took them, kissing one cheek and then the other. 

“I am pleased to see you again, Captain Rogers,” she said. “I trust you have been well?” 

“I can’t complain,” Steve said. Loki gestured toward the kitchen. 

“Would anyone like aught to eat or drink? I am afraid I haven’t a feast prepared, but there is wine…”

“I would try a glass of Midgardian wine,” Frigga said with a smile. “You choose one for me.”

Thor and Steve declined, and Loki retreated into the kitchen to pour two glasses for himself and Frigga. His hands shook, he noticed, and he frowned at them as though he could intimidate them into obedience. It didn’t work very well, and he ended up simply hoping that when he brought them out it wouldn’t be obvious. 

“Thank you,” Frigga said, accepting hers with a smile. Loki gave her an exaggerated bow and sat down next to Steve, holding his glass in both hands so he didn’t gulp it. A slightly awkward silence fell. 

“How have you been?” Steve asked eventually, and Loki felt a wave of gratitude. Frigga smiled at him.

“Well enough,” she said. “Things are calmer, now, than they were.” Loki sat up. 

“Njord has not caused further trouble?” 

“No,” Frigga said. “He seems to have retreated to nurse his wounded pride.” Loki could hear an undeniable note of satisfaction in her voice. 

“Good,” Thor said, with some savagery. “If I should see him again soon my fist might accidentally stray into his face.” Loki’s lips twitched. 

“What a pity that would be.” 

“And of course his followers have abandoned him, with the All-Father’s power renewed and assured,” Frigga said. Loki went still, a hot flash burning down his spine. _Renewed and assured by casting out the blemish on his name,_ he thought, sudden anger almost choking him. _I was his sacrifice, that’s all I ever was, and you let him do it._ He coughed, gulping half his glass. 

“Of course,” he said, straining for control. “That is a relief.”

Frigga looked at him, her eyebrows furrowing. “Loki,” she said. “I am sorry. I did not mean…”

“Do not apologize,” he said stiffly. “It is good that Asgard is stable once more. For your and Thor’s sake.” He caught Frigga’s very slight wince and could not feel guilty about it.

* * *

It went like that: conversation flowing naturally until suddenly it didn’t and they were all staring the ugly truth in the face, unable to gloss over it. And the longer it went on, the more Loki _itched_. He wanted to pull at that thread and see how far he could unravel, wanted to dig his fingers into the wound and pry it open. It was a dangerous, tempting urge, and he was just relieved that Thor pulled Frigga away before he gave in to it. 

Steve looked at him after they left, plainly nervous. “How are you doing?” 

Loki made a noncommittal noise in his throat. 

“I thought it went pretty well,” Steve said cautiously, and Loki jerked his chin in a nod. 

“It did.” Better than most of his recent family conversations, it was true. But that was a low bar to clear. “Thank you,” he said, instead of voicing that thought. “I know this is all…I am certain not what you would like to do with your time.” 

“Thor’s my friend,” Steve said. “And Frigga is…she’s intimidating, but I like her.”

“I was not really referring to the individuals,” Loki said. 

Steve gave him a small smile. “Hey, I’ve seen worse. Nobody was trying to kill anyone this time.” 

Loki had to laugh. “I suppose that is true.” He stood up and went to Steve, extending his hands for Steve to take. “All the same. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” Steve squeezed his hands and instead of standing pulled Loki down to him, capturing his lips for a slow kiss. 

“I feel – dangerous,” Loki confessed when they broke apart. He kept his eyes closed so he did not have to see the look on Steve’s face. “Like I am all sharp edges and bared teeth. It reminds me of-“ He took a breath through his nose. “—it is an echo of what I felt when I attacked this Realm.”

Steve pushed back and looked at him, eyebrows furrowing with worry. “What do you want to do?” He asked slowly. 

Several savage thoughts passed through Loki’s mind, but he spoke none of them. “It is as though there is something burning in me that will eat me alive if I do not give it something else,” he said finally. 

“It’s not going to.” There was something fierce in Steve’s voice. “That’s just fear, Loki. That’s all it is. It doesn’t own you.” 

Loki let out a harsh laugh. “What do I have to fear _now?_ ”

“Plenty,” Steve said. He didn’t say it, but Loki felt it. _She could leave you for good. You could ruin this like you ruin everything else._ His stomach twisted and the animal twisted. His fingers itched for a blade, like if he broke skin it would let out some of the emotion, _too much._

“Steve,” he said, soft and a little breathless. “Don’t…can you not leave? Just for now.”

“Did I say I was going anywhere?” Steve asked. Loki tried to take a deep breath and let it out in a slow, uneven exhale. “Oh, Loki,” he said more quietly. 

“I am not going to break,” Loki said through his teeth. 

“No,” Steve agreed. “You won’t.” 

* * *

In the end, Loki chose an upscale Asian fusion restaurant and hoped for the best. He and Steve met Frigga there, and to his surprise she was alone. “No Thor?” He asked.

“I asked that your brother allow the three of us a dinner to ourselves,” Frigga said with a smile. She embraced him, and Steve the same, which eased some of the sudden churning in Loki’s stomach. 

“Things you wish to keep away from his tender ears?” He said, trying for lightness. 

“Say rather a wish to have the pair of you all to myself,” Frigga said. “Shall we?” 

Loki took Steve’s hand and followed her inside, not quite able to shake the feeling that this was some sort of test. Their table was a quiet one in the corner, and Loki ordered a bottle of wine for the table, chosen mostly at random. He sat down next to Frigga and she reached over, pulling the neck of his shirt a little down and making a little ‘hmm’ noise. 

“You missed one,” she said with a slight twinkle in her eye. Loki felt his face growing hot, though he was better off than poor Steve, trying to disappear behind his menu. Loki pulled away and twitched his collar back into place. 

“Careful, mother,” he said. “You’ll make Steve choke on his own tongue.”

Steve gave him a half-hearted glare. “You know Natasha once asked me if I’d gotten into a fight with a vampire?”

Loki laughed, the nerves easing a little. “I forgot,” he said airily. 

“Yeah, I bet you did.” 

Frigga chuckled. “Very good, Steven. Don’t let him get away with anything.”

Loki tensed, slightly, but Steve said solemnly, “oh, too late for that, ma’am,” with just enough of a rueful half smile to diffuse any sting he might have felt. 

He and Steve chose several dishes that looked interesting (“I wouldn’t have the first idea of what to choose,” Frigga said, and Loki tried not to feel like there was a trap there). The atmosphere was pleasant enough, and Loki could feel himself relaxing. Frigga asked Steve about his shield, and Steve asked Frigga some innocuous questions with grace that Loki probably shouldn’t have found surprising. It seemed he could still underestimate Steve in some things.

“I know very little of how you met and became lovers,” Frigga said, picking up her fork and scanning the plates of food that had just arrived at their table. “I should like to hear the fuller story.”

Steve coughed, and a glance in his direction confirmed that he had turned bright red. “I do not think it would make a very interesting story,” Loki said.

“Oh, but it must,” Frigga said, smiling a little. “You faced each other first as enemies, and now…well.” She sat back. “It is plain how much you care about each other.” 

Loki felt _his_ face warm, and was glad that at least it would not show too much. “Steve is remarkably persuasive,” he tried. Frigga looked at Steve, who laughed a little weakly. 

“You’d never know that _he’s_ the storyteller,” he said. “Besides, it’s not like I did all the hard work. I’d’ve been – um, pining forever, if Loki hadn’t made the first move.”

Frigga looked amused. “It is certainly an unconventional courtship,” she said. 

“A courtship implies some sort of mutual awareness of what is going on,” Loki said a bit dryly. “I am not in the least certain that was the case.”

“I knew!” Steve exclaimed indignantly. “Or – well. Maybe not _consciously_ but I, well-“

Frigga laughed, but it sounded affectionate. “Do not feel too self-conscious, Steve Rogers. Loki may seem the graceful charmer now, but the first time a young woman attempted to express her interest he thought she was joking.” 

Loki tried not to flinch. He could remember that, and the assumption had been less a result of his inexperience than the fact that most women, and no few others, had seemed to see him as a gateway to Thor. By the way Steve glanced at him, a flicker of sympathy in his eyes, he might have guessed Loki’s train of thought, and the thought that he had made Loki’s stomach burn with embarrassment. 

“You’re right about the ‘charmer’ part,” Steve said, leaning over and giving Loki a quick kiss on the cheek. Loki drew strength from that small warmth. 

“But then, you were always a romantic at heart,” Frigga said. “Do not let his seeming cynicism fool you, Steven.” 

Loki let out a quiet “ha”. “ _Was_ a romantic, mother. I would hardly say that is _still_ the case.” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” Frigga said. She turned to Steve. “When Loki was a youngling – just before his majority-”

This time it wasn’t embarrassment that made him tense, but something more dangerous. “Mother,” he said, trying to keep his smile. “I don’t think we need to tell old tales.”

“Nonsense,” Frigga said. “I am sure Steve is curious. Are you not?” That last directed at Steve, who wavered, looking between Frigga and Loki. Steve, who had been so _good_ at not asking. Loki did not look at him, keeping his eyes fixed on Frigga. 

“It’s fine,” Steve said finally. “I mean, if Loki would rather not.” Loki felt a surge of almost overwhelming gratitude. Frigga cocked her head slightly to the side, seeming surprised. 

“What _has_ Loki told you of his youth?” she asked, and Loki held himself very still. Steve shifted. 

“It – hasn’t come up much.”

“Frigga,” Loki said. She looked at him and Loki tried to smile without baring his teeth. “Perhaps we could…not?” 

Steve looked like he wanted to bolt. Loki felt a flash of anger, hot and sudden: with Frigga for bringing this up, with himself for reacting as he was, with Steve, most unfair of all. A small line appeared between Frigga’s brows, and Loki waited for the argument. _What’s the matter, Loki, why are you upset, be reasonable._

“Of course,” she said, after a few beats of silence. “My apologies.”

The ease was gone, though. Frigga managed to coax it back, for the most part – that was her gift, and always had been. But the hard knot in Loki’s stomach never quite left.

* * *

“I’m sorry,” Steve said. “You know I’d rather not.” 

“I know it,” Loki agreed. 

“I can’t say no to all of the requests. Apparently.” Steve heaved a sigh, and gave him a worried look. “Are you going to be all right?” 

“I _can_ manage myself for a day,” Loki said, just slightly caustic. 

“I meant…with your mother,” Steve said. Loki gave him a slightly tight-lipped smile. 

“So did I.”

Steve sighed, but he left. Loki took his time composing himself and went to the guest suite where Frigga was saying. He could hear the low sounds of conversation through the door and knocked lightly. A moment later Thor opened the door.

“Loki,” he said, seeming surprised. 

“Am I interrupting?” Loki asked, not quite able to identify the feeling that squirmed through him at finding them both here, closeted together. 

“Of course not,” Thor said, stepping back quickly. “Mother and I were just…talking.” 

_About what,_ Loki wondered, but dismissed the curiosity. He stepped in. Frigga stood, holding her hands out to him, and he went only a little stiffly to take them, kissing her cheek. “I was going to invite you on a walk,” he said to her. “I suppose if the both of you would like to go…”

“No,” Thor said, oddly quickly. “No, that’s all right. I need to call Jane anyway.” He hurried out with startling – worrying – quickness. 

“What _were_ you talking about?” Loki asked, trying to make it a jest. “It certainly had Thor in a hurry to rush away.” 

“All to the good,” Frigga said, kissing his cheek and releasing his hands. “I have been wishing to have a chance to talk to you alone.” 

“That sounds ominous,” Loki said. Frigga smiled faintly. 

“I hope not. It is only a wish for some time to ourselves – just the two of us. As we used.”

Loki tried not to flinch. “Of course,” he said, sweeping an exaggerated bow. “It would be my pleasure.” 

He masked their departure, just in case, and started north toward the park. “It is so loud here,” Frigga said. “And so…everyone moves so quickly.” 

Loki shrugged one shoulder. “They have to do everything in less time. I used to wonder if they felt it.”

She glanced askance at him. “Used to?” 

“They don’t think about it,” Loki said. And neither did he, when he could help it. Not that he expected his lifespan to become an issue. “Most of them, anyway. I think it is just…” He considered. “They are…hungry. For life, for experiences. They want so much and don’t want to have to choose.”

Frigga half smiled. “That reminds me of you.” 

Loki huffed a laugh. “I might take that as insult.”

“Do not.” Frigga frowned. “I have spoken much with Thor about it, and I think that we have underestimated humans for too long. Dismissed them. And perhaps we were wrong to do so.” She sighed. “Asgard is slow to change. And as that is our strength, so too is it our weakness. The universe moves around us, and I begin to worry what may come if we do not adapt.”

“Perhaps it is a good thing, then, that Asgard’s heir is spending his time here. At the very least it offers him perspective.”

“I hope so.” They walked across the street and into the park. Frigga smiled. “Oh, well. This is nice.”

“There are a few places like this,” Loki said. “Though this is the largest. When I first came here, I...often slipped out of my rooms to come here.” He paused before adding, “it reminded me of your garden.” 

Frigga’s expression was soft and a little sad. “I am glad you could find such a place.”

Something spurred him. “If I could have told you that I lived-”

“You could have.”

“And not risked my freedom? My safety?” Loki looked away. “I do not think so. But for the pain I caused you – I am sorry.”

“I am sorry that you were so desperate that death, however false, seemed the only option.” Frigga took his arm. Loki looked down, almost ashamed even as something bitter lodged in his chest. _Seemed? What other choice was there._

“You and Steve,” Frigga said, after they’d been walking in silence for a time. Loki glanced sidelong at her, trying not to tense. 

“Yes?” 

“It is good to see you together,” she said. “The way you are with him…” She smiled, very slightly. “It is a bittersweet thing to say, but you seem happier than I have seen you in decades. I had forgotten how it looked on you, that kind of joy that used to come so easily.” 

Loki looked down. “I am fortunate,” he said, after several moments struggling for words. 

“And so is he,” she said. “It does not just go one way, you know. He loves you.”

“For some reason,” Loki said flippantly. The look she gave him was scathingly disapproving. 

“Stop that,” she said. “Do not doubt it, or value yourself so cheaply. Perhaps I should ask Captain Rogers why? I am sure he could answer that question.” 

“I jest,” Loki said, a bit disgruntled, but the look Frigga gave him was uncomfortably perceptive. 

“Then it is a jest with an ounce of truth in it,” she said. “You have always had a tendency to doubt that others love you. Even when you were young.” She looked out toward the trees. “I used to wonder if it was something to do with your being abandoned as a babe. That you remembered it, somewhere in your soul, and carried it with you.”

Loki twitched. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?” 

“You make me sound – pathetic.” 

“I do not think it is pathetic. Everyone wants to be loved, cared for. And when you needed it most, at least for a time…no one was there.” She shook her head. “It is not important. Merely a thought that crossed my mind. I fear that we did not recognize your need enough.”

“You were always attentive,” Loki said, trying not to put too much emphasis on the pronoun. By the way Frigga looked at him, though, she seemed to hear it. 

“Was I? I can think of times I might have been more so. I might have told you more often that you were loved, not merely for what you could or did do but simply as yourself.”

Loki twitched his shoulders. “I doubt it would have changed much.” 

“You cannot know that.”

“I know that I do not blame you for your decisions.” At least, Loki didn’t think so, though some part of him whispered _she lied to you just as much as he did._

“But you blame Odin,” she said. “Why not me?” 

Loki opened and closed his right hand, looking away from her. “Must we do this? Is it not enough to know that I do not hold you at fault?”

“It does not sit well with me that my family is so fractured.”

“And that is mine to mend?” Loki asked, voice sharpening.

Frigga sighed. “Not solely, but…neither is it solely your father’s.” Loki’s teeth clicked together and he took a deep breath before answering. 

“Odin is not my father,” he said. 

“By blood or not,” Frigga said, “you called him your father through your childhood and your youth. He embraced you, loved you-”

Loki barked a laugh. “Appropriate use of the past tense.” 

“Loki,” Frigga said. “Your father loves you yet. He is – ill prepared to show it. He fears your rejection-”

“ _My_ rejection!” Loki’s voice rose, and he fought to rein it in. “Have you forgotten why you are here, mother, rather than my going to you on Asgard? You were there. I think it must have been memorable. He took my name and my home from me. You claim he did not take away _Odinson_ ; I say he did not need to. He made it perfectly clear what my place is and what it is not. If I am not Aesir, not a prince, not of Asgard – what makes me a son of Odin?” 

Frigga’s eyebrows were knit together with distress, and a part of Loki wanted to stop, to back down, to apologize and reassure her – but he knew in the end that would only make him angrier. “You are a son of Odin because family is more than titles and blood,” she said gently. “You understand why your father chose as he did. But if you spoke to him-“

“No,” Loki said harshly. 

“He thinks you do not want to speak to him.” 

“He is right.” 

“The two of you are so alike. So stubborn.” Frigga sighed, and Loki felt a flash of anger. 

“Do not act as though I am being unreasonable,” he said. “As though I do not have a right to my anger.” 

“Of course you do,” Frigga said. “But you deny your father’s love for you-”

“Ah, yes,” Loki interrupted, suddenly unable to keep silent. “Odin’s _love._ You say he _loves_ me as though that excuses everything. As though _love_ makes it all _right._ As though it absolves him of everything and because of his _love_ I must forgive all.” He scoffed bitterly. “If this is Odin’s _love_ then I would rather be without.”

The hurt was plain on Frigga’s face. “You are angry,” she said. “I understand that. But-”

“But you will continue to try to persuade me that I should not be,” Loki said, the anger burning out and leaving in its place ashy disgust and bitterness. “No, mother. I have heard enough.”

He ended the conversation by the simple expedient of teleporting himself away. He stood in his suite, breathing hard, stomach burning. 

* * *

Steve came home about an hour later and took one look at Loki before the smile dropped off his face. “What happened?” 

Loki shook his head. “Nothing happened.”

“Bull,” Steve said, but not unkindly. He walked over to where Loki was sitting on the chair. “You could have called me.”

“I do not need you to drop everything and come running whenever I am distressed,” Loki said, keeping his voice carefully flat. “You will only begin to resent me.” 

“I won’t,” Steve said, “and I’m perfectly capable of deciding for myself whether I need to _drop everything_ or not. So what happened?” 

“Nothing,” Loki repeated. “Frigga and I had a – conversation, that is all. We spoke, we disagreed, I left.”

“Hm,” Steve said, clearly dubious. Loki’s shoulders hunched. 

“What?”

“What did you disagree about?” 

Loki ground the heels of his hands against his eyes. “What else? Odin. The same thing we always do. She cannot leave it alone, I do not see why she must always-” He cut off, jerking his head to the side. “We do not need to speak about this. It is over with.”

“It sounds to me like you _want_ to talk it through with someone,” Steve said. Loki closed his eyes. 

“She wants me to talk to him,” he said, finally. “To Odin. She wants me to reach out – because, she says, he will not, as he is _afraid_ that I might reject him. Is that not irony at its finest? After how many times he has turned his back on me, that she would have the gall to act as though I cannot, _must_ not, do the same?”

Steve’s expression flickered. “Did she say that?” 

“As good as,” Loki said bitterly. “Though at least she was gracious enough to admit that I am not the _only_ one at fault. Just the one who must act. Whose responsibility it is to lay aside my anger and set down my arms and sue for peace.”

“Maybe she thinks it would be better for you.”

“Do I not get to decide that?” Loki demanded, rising to his feet. “Is it not mine to determine if I do or do not want his presence in my life? Apparently not. Apparently his _claim_ on me supersedes mine on myself, and despite severing me from everything I knew he is still supposed to hold my leash.” He could hear his voice shaking, and fought to control it. “He has _no right._ ”

“Loki…” Steve sighed. “I’m going to ask you something. And I want you to – not take it the wrong way. Because I don’t think you have to do anything, all right?”

Loki tensed. “Ask.” 

“Do you _want_ Odin in your life? If he – if he came to _you,_ would you want to talk to him?” 

_No. I want nothing from him. I am finished with him, he is nothing to me now._ Loki closed his eyes. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe that’s all she’s saying,” Steve said slowly. “That you don’t…close the door, if you’re not sure. That you leave it open.” 

“Maybe,” Loki said. He heard Steve walk toward him. 

“But you don’t think so?” 

“No,” Loki said. “I think – it is as she said. She wants things _mended._ But that does not mean – it is like Thor. She wants them to go back to how they were.” He laughed, low and harsh. “That is what she does. She smooths things over. Makes the ugliness disappear. And that is what I am.”

“That seems like a pretty harsh interpretation,” Steve said. 

“But not a wrong one.”

Steve took his shoulder and turned him around so their eyes met. “Loki…”

“Does she love me,” Loki burst out without meaning to, “or just who she thinks I am?”

Steve’s expression crumpled. “I’m sure Frigga loves you, Loki.”

“Then why did she let all of this happen?” He heard his voice crack and shame burned in his stomach. “Why didn’t she say anything, and why does she always take his _side?_ I am so _tired_ of being told that I need to _understand,_ that I need to _forgive._ And none of them are ever willing to offer me the same. Oh, she apologized for lying, but if I had never _known,_ then it would have been _fine-_ ”

“Loki,” Steve said gently, and squeezed his arms. Loki bit the inside of his cheek.

“I am angry at her,” he whispered, as though it was a secret. “I do not _want_ to be, but I am.”

“That’s fine,” Steve said. Loki shuddered. 

“Is it?”

“It doesn’t mean you have to be angry at her forever,” Steve said, drawing Loki over to the couch and pushing him down, sitting down next to him. “It doesn’t mean you have to cut ties with her.”

Loki drew back, pushing himself away from Steve so he could look him in the eye. “Do you think I am overreacting? Angry about nothing?” 

Steve blew out a breath. “I don’t know,” he said after a long pause. “I wasn’t there.”

“But do you _think-_ ”

“I think,” Steve interrupted, “that it doesn’t matter. I don’t think asking yourself that question is going to get you anywhere. I think you doubt yourself too much sometimes.” 

Loki closed his eyes, turning his head toward Steve and leaning into him. “I wonder if it’s true,” he said. “If I did…imagine it. If all along I was just…oh, I don’t know.” 

“I don’t think that’s true,” Steve said. 

“How do you know? You weren’t there.” 

“I just…don’t think so.” Steve shook his head. “People remember different things. Get hurt by different things. Just because you didn’t see things the same way doesn’t mean you were seeing them wrong.” He shrugged. “I saw a lot of things different from people around me, when I was a kid. And not just ‘cause I was colorblind.” 

It was a weak joke, but Loki laughed anyway, out of kindness. “You saw injustice and moved to rectify it,” he said. “And I…” He huffed a laugh. “Well, we’ve all seen what I’ve done.”

“Yeah, I have,” Steve said. “But that’s not just the bad, Loki. You can do good things, too. And you do.”

Loki felt something go out of him and was suddenly just weary, so tired he thought he might sleep for days. “Ah, Steve,” he said quietly. “Why _do_ you put up with me?” 

“I don’t,” Steve said. “I love you.”

Loki’s heart flopped in his chest, the odd little shiver running through him that still came with those words, every time. “I love you too.”

* * *

The knock on his door came midmorning, while Steve was out. Loki glanced through the peephole and nearly didn’t open the door, but decided that would be – petty. Childish. 

“All-Mother,” he said stiffly. Her smile was fragile. 

“That is it? One small quarrel and we return to that?” She said. Loki winced and looked away. 

“Mother,” he amended. “To what do I owe the honor?” 

“Is Captain Rogers with you?” she asked, instead of answering. Loki shook his head. “May I come in?” 

“You may,” Loki said slowly, warily, and stepped back to allow her inside. He felt very aware of all the little seams and scars; the brittle, dangerous places where he might come apart. Frigga did not reach to embrace him this time. “Sit,” he said after an awkward moment’s silence. “Can I fetch you anything?” 

“No, thank you.” She sat, graceful as ever, and after a moment Loki sat across from her. Váli leapt onto his lap and settled there; Loki scratched his chin distractedly. “Your cat?” Frigga asked, gesturing at him. 

“Yes,” Loki said. “A gift. From Steve – in the early days. I think he feared I would get lonely.” 

Frigga smiled faintly and then looked down at her hands, folded in her lap. “I wished to apologize, Loki. I pressed you too hard, and I should not have.” 

Loki blinked, nearly rocking backward. Of all the things he might have expected, it would not have been that. 

“You were right,” she said. “I was…trying to persuade you not to be angry, because it seems to me that your anger hurts you. That you suffer for it. But that does not mean…” Frigga looked up. “Your father – Odin _does_ love you. But love, as you said, does not absolve all things.” 

Loki worked some moisture back into his mouth. “I do not want you to apologize, Mother.” 

“I know,” Frigga said. “And I think that – is why I cannot stay.” 

Loki blinked, jerking back, feeling as though he’d been struck. “You’re leaving?” 

“Yes.” Frigga closed her eyes for a split second. “I think…I think I came too soon. Your wounds are still too fresh, and much as I would help heal them…I do not think I am.” She was crying, Loki realized with a jolt of horror. Silently, but there were tears on her cheeks. 

“Mother,” Loki said, his tongue stumbling over the words. “I do not understand. If we only did not speak of this one thing – I do not want to drive you away-” Panic fluttered in his chest. She was leaving, she was _leaving_ and that was going to be it-

“Loki,” she said, “you are not. You are _not_ driving me away, and I am not – saying that I will never return. But I think…I do not think all of what you said was meant for Odin.”

Loki fell still, fingers pausing under Váli’s chin. “What do you mean?” 

“When you were a boy,” Frigga said, “very young – as a rule you were good with your nurses. Not the most obedient, perhaps, but all the same. But every so often you would…act out. Be almost cruel to them. Eventually, I realized that those times tended to coincide with when you and Thor were fighting.” 

Loki frowned. It made his skin prickle oddly, hearing about those days. A time when he’d happily believed the lie. “What is your point?” 

“I think,” Frigga said, “that you were…you did not wish to quarrel with Thor. Perhaps because you knew you would not win, but I think also because you loved him so much that the idea of fighting him was unbearable.” She chuckled. “Clearly, that changed.”

Loki pressed his lips together. “You do not think that I am truly angry with the All-Father.”

“No,” Frigga said. “I do not doubt that you are. But I suspect that at least some of that anger is for me. It is only that…you cannot express it as such.” She smiled sadly at him. “I can understand why. You have lost so much. I think you fear that if you allowed yourself to be angry with me, you might lose me too.”

“Mother…” He trailed off. Loki took shallow, careful breaths, trying not to move. 

“I want to give you time,” she said. “To grieve. To think. I…was selfish, to demand to come here. Even if it was out of love.”

Loki’s eyes burned. “I am sorry,” he said. “Mother, I-”

“Hush,” she said. “I have forgiven you. And I would very much like you to forgive me. But you do not have to.” She stood, crossing over to him and bending to kiss his forehead. “And I am proud of you, Loki.” 

He flinched. “Why?” 

“For what you are building here,” she said. “For taking those steps out of darkness. For standing, again and again. For being the man I knew you could be.”

Loki took a sharp breath in. “I’ve made you cry,” he said. “Again.”

“It’s painful to face one’s mistakes,” she said. “Odin is not the only one who hurt you. Just the one you’ve decided is safe to blame.” 

Loki swallowed hard, closing his eyes. “I know you did not mean to,” he said. “You tried, I know you tried-” He broke off. 

“I will still love you, Loki,” she said. “That is all that I want you to know. Maybe it matters. Maybe it does not. But I want you to know that you are loved. That you have always been loved, from the moment I first held you in my arms and my heart called you my son.”

“I do love you,” he said, as though he needed to confirm it. For her, or perhaps for himself. “I _do._ ” 

“I know,” Frigga said, barely above a whisper. “Whenever you are ready, Loki. Whatever that means. I will be there.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “And as for you and Odin…I will try not to meddle further. That is between the two of you, and it is not my place to push you one way or the other.”

“I am sorry,” Loki said raggedly. “That – things cannot go back to the way they were. I know that is – what you want.” 

“A part of me does,” she said. “A part of me wishes you and Thor were both children again, safe and whole and untouched by sorrow. But that is not within my power. And in truth – do I really want to raise two boys again?” 

They both laughed, weakly. Loki picked Váli up, ignoring his meow of protest, and set him on the floor so he could stand and stumble into an embrace. “Soon,” he said. “I think – soon. Nothing makes sense right now. Everything is so-”

“I know.” She stroked his hair, and a part of Loki hated himself for how soothing it felt. The rest of him was simply grateful. “You can always reach me. _Always._ ”

Loki squeezed his eyes closed and nodded. 

“I am glad,” she murmured, after a long silence, “that you have Steve to take care of you. That you’ve given your heart to someone who has given you his in return.”

“I am surprised not to hear any warnings about taking up with a mortal,” Loki said, pulling away ever so slightly to look up at her. Frigga did not smile. 

“Right now, I am simply glad to see you taking happiness where you can find it.”

* * *

Loki said his farewells in private, and did not go to see Frigga off. Instead he hid, curled up on his couch with Váli on his lap, wishing Steve would come home. Thor came to him first, though. 

“May I come in?” He asked. 

“Not if you are going to lecture me,” Loki said, and then wished he could snatch the words back. Thor shook his head. 

“I am not going to.” 

“Good.” Loki stepped back and closed the door behind him. Váli, the traitor, wove around his legs meowing until Thor picked him up and scratched him behind the ears. “I take it Frigga is gone, then?” 

“She is, yes.” Thor hesitated. “She…would not tell me what passed between you. Is all well?” 

Loki made a noise in the back of his throat. “When is it ever?” He glanced at Thor, brow furrowed and miserable looking, and sighed. “I suppose that depends on what you mean by _well._ ”

“Are you…” Thor paused, clearly thinking through his words. “Will you speak to her again?” 

“Yes,” Loki said. Thor seemed to be waiting for more, but Loki did not offer it. 

“I am…sorry,” he said finally. “That there was…difficulty between you.”

Loki grimaced. “There was _difficulty_ before. This only made it clear.” He huffed out a sigh. “I should have expected it, truly. I half think she came only to intercede with me on the Allfather’s behalf – as though he would even _want_ such an intercession.” He could hear the bitterness bleeding into his voice. Thor looked pained. 

“That is not so.” 

“You would know, of course,” Loki said. 

“I do.” Thor sounded so utterly certain that it stopped Loki. He looked at his brother, refusing to ask him for more.

“You did not see her,” Thor said quietly. “Before we saw you…she was nervous, Loki. She asked me many questions, about if I knew if you would or would not want to talk about this or that. If I thought you truly wanted her here.” 

Loki looked away, uncomfortable. “If I did not want her here I would not have agreed to her coming.” 

“Perhaps,” Thor said, “but she was still concerned.” He paused and added, “she only wants the same as I did, Loki. As I do. To be – a part of your life.”

“Rather difficult when she is the queen of a Realm that exiled me,” Loki said, but that was unfair. She had not been responsible for that decision. (But could she not have stopped it? He knew how great Frigga’s influence was, not just on Odin. If she had truly wanted to…)

“I am Asgard’s prince and you seem to manage with me,” Thor said, though with a slight hesitation, as though he feared he might be cursing himself in saying so. Loki exhaled, looking away. 

“Perhaps,” he allowed, finally. “But even so – what is the point of this little talk? She is already gone. Are you exhorting me to call her back at once?”

“I am not exhorting you to do anything,” Thor said hastily. “Only…I wished you to know. You are not the only one who is…nervous. Who does not know exactly what to do. But she wants very much to try.” 

Loki looked at Thor for a long moment. _Give him a chance,_ he heard Steve murmur, and raised his eyebrows. “Are you talking about Frigga alone?”

Thor smiled a little weakly. “Not entirely.”

“Are there things you would say?” Loki said, hearing the tension in his own voice, too near the surface. 

“Much,” Thor said, and his expression was as open as Loki had ever seen it. “But I fear to say it. I am not gifted with words – as you used to often remind me. I fear they would come out wrong, and ruin what I – what we have managed to build.” 

The echo of his own thoughts was eerie. The idea of Thor fearing anything more so. But then he had known, hadn’t he, that Thor had changed, had been changing. He was…different, now, than he had ever been. “You put little confidence in it,” Loki said, and meant, perhaps, _in me._ Thor looked down, his brows furrowed. 

“I still struggle to understand so much,” he said at length. “I spent so long trying to think, searching for what I had missed, how I could not have seen…I always believed that I knew you better than any other. Almost as well as my own heart.” 

Loki felt his stomach twist and knot. He could almost hear where this was going, where Thor would say at best _I cannot see it, tell me, explain to me what I did wrong_ and Loki would not be able to find the words to tell him _it was not one thing, it was everything, it was what you were and how seamlessly you fit into the role of prince and left no place for me._

“I did not like the idea that I was wrong,” Thor went on slowly. “About you. But I was.” He took a deep breath and exhaled. “I meant what I said, about not going back. Not wanting to return to…being as we were. I want to find a way to be better. I do not know what that means, and I know I cannot demand…”

“When did you grow up so much?” Loki burst out. Thor looked up, slightly, and Loki shook his head. “I mean it. It is – unnerving. I feel threatened.” 

Thor’s expression flickered like he wasn’t certain if Loki was joking. In truth, neither was Loki. “It is in large part because of you,” Thor said. “After you…fell, I could not stop thinking about – what I might have done differently. Trying to make sense of what had happened. And when I could not speak to you…” Thor looked a touch awkward. “I wrote a great many letters. It forced me to think more. But do not fear – I have no doubt you are still the wiser.” 

Loki forced a thin laugh. “I am not so certain.” He looked away. “It is not so simple as – just moving forward. We cannot – or _I_ cannot – simply forget the past and set it aside.” 

“Then let us face it,” Thor said earnestly. “Clear the air.”

Loki closed his eyes. “Do you understand that…we would need to open a door that might not close again. The things that we never…that I never…” He trailed off. _No,_ he thought, panicked. _Don’t. Don’t touch it, don’t touch any of it. If you try to face that you will break._

“I understand,” Thor said. 

“You are too patient,” Loki said, the words spilling from him too quickly. “Too kind. Quick, smash something, or I shall not know it is you.” 

“Loki,” Thor said quietly. He shook his head. 

“I cannot, Thor. Not right now. Not yet. I…perhaps someday, perhaps even soon, but…not yet.” 

“All right,” Thor said after a pause. “When you are ready.” 

“I do not understand how you can forgive me,” Loki said in a hoarse whisper. “It sits uneasily with me, your forgiveness. Like a debt I cannot repay.” 

“You owe me nothing,” Thor said. Loki shook his head. 

“No. Everything I do not owe Steve I owe you. Sometimes I resent that weight. Sometimes I do not know what I would do without it. That is always how it has been.” 

Thor’s hands clasped his face, turning Loki’s gaze toward his. “I would relieve you of that weight, if I could,” he said, so painfully earnest. 

“I know you would,” Loki said. “Sometimes I hate that too. Because I do not deserve it, and never will.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “Do you know why I held you away for so long, Thor?” 

His eyes flickered with faint pain. “You were angry with me.” 

Loki shook his head. “No – well, yes, but anger alone would have more likely driven me to want to keep you close, where I could remind myself why I was angry. But with you – I would have had to remind myself to _be_ angry. I could not let myself see you because I was afraid if I did not I would lose myself. It is – what happened, sometimes, when we were younger. With you, it was as though I stopped existing. As though something of me bled away and blurred and I was nothing but what your will made me. I am – not making sense.” 

“No,” Thor said. “I think I understand.” 

“It has always been easier to love you than to hate you,” Loki said softly. “I am sorry, Thor.” Thor leaned his forehead against Loki’s and was quiet for several breaths. 

“Thank you, Loki,” he said. “I forgive you.” Loki inhaled sharply, and Thor went on: “And I will keep on doing so, until you find the way of forgiving yourself.”

“You will get tired of that,” Loki said, attempting to smile. 

“No,” Thor said. “I will not.”

It was too much. The storm of emotion threatened to crack open his ribs and burst out of his chest. Loki stared helplessly at Thor, at a loss. For words and action both. 

“Loki? –oh, sorry – I didn’t mean to interrupt.” Loki jerked his eyes away from Thor and took a step back, half turning toward Steve hovering awkwardly in the doorway. 

“You are not interrupting,” he said quickly. Steve looked at Thor, which could almost be insulting, but Thor half smiled. 

“You are not,” he agreed. “I think I should go. Good afternoon to you both. Loki…” For a moment Loki thought he would reach out and was not certain if he wanted to flinch away or lean into it, but then he simply nodded. “Thank you,” he said, oddly, and left. Loki stared after him, still unsteady, off balance. 

“Is everything all right?” Steve asked, so careful, so gentle. 

“Yes? I…yes. Of course.” He tried to summon a smile. “Thor and I were just…talking.”

Steve came over to him and pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry things didn’t go…as well as they could’ve, with your mother. If you want to talk about it…”

“I don’t,” Loki said, too quickly, and then added to make it kinder, “at least, not right now.”

“That’s fine.” Steve went quiet for a moment, one of his hands rubbing Loki’s back. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…I’m proud of you.”

Loki frowned. “Why?”

“For dealing with all of this as well as you have. For…I know it can’t have been easy, but you haven’t...”

“Gone to pieces?” Loki supplied, a little caustic. Steve shook his head. 

“That’s not what I mean.” 

Loki sighed, his shoulders dropping a notch. “I suppose I know that.” He leaned his head forward where he could rest it on Steve’s shoulder. “You are far too good to me.” 

“I think I’m just the right amount of good to you.” Steve’s head turned, kissing his temple. “I’ve got a few places you might want to look at. When you feel up to it.”

Places. That was right. An apartment of their own. Maybe in two months, or three, he would ask Frigga to come back. They could talk – about her, not about Odin. He would tell her stories about Steve. Maybe he would manage to tell her that he would rather weave something new than mend the old.

Loki took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I think I would like that.”


End file.
